Our Nation’s Sonics Are Dying

Girlie Pops,

We are losing the backbone of our nation’s fast food. We are losing the core of American finery. We need to group up and gather forces to fight back against the crimes of big fast food. We need to fight back and save Sonic.

There’s nothing more patriotic and truly culturally pleasing to me than the concept of a restaurant where you park and dine. Yet Sonics around the nation are closing in droves. Stop and think to yourself, when was the last time you successfully slowed down enough to dine in your car?

Culture is challenging us to constantly be on the move, you don’t have time to enjoy a meal you have to continue your road trip, or get back to work, or do chores, or go to the gym. I have to reject modernity. I have to get back to eating my fresh food when it gets handed to me, even better if it’s just so happen handed to me by a beautiful (and talented) person on roller skates.

I have to admit, there’s just an added flavor to dining in your car (especially if you are in the car with your best friend) that you can’t achieve in store or when you pick up food at a drive thru fast food spot. The ability to have my personal HVAC controls, my own music selection, or better yet the ability to turn on a YouTube video and enjoy watching Cleb’s most recent video in stereo sound.

Don’t EVEN get me started on Sonic’s soda customization options. The options are truly limitless and yet we’ve let the Mormons dominate the soda additive industry. When you stop and think about it critically for 15-30 seconds you really see how far we’ve fallen.

This week I am issuing you a challenge: Take a moment to sit down at a fast food restaurant. You can sit in your car or in the restaurant, I don’t care, but just pause and enjoy knowing you are allowed to enjoy it at your own pace.

Shitty Business Ideas:

Sharts,

In exchange for my ability to read and write, I am asking for your best app developers and witches. We will call this app The Last Chapter.

I like reading, and I like hanging out with friends, but I am not going to join a book club, even if it intrigues me and sparks joy.

I am tired of having to co-ordinate the details. I like to read, but I am not that committed to reading that I will meticulously plan out every detail of a book club.

Therefore, I am begging you to make an app that makes book clubs easy. The app checks all my friends interests and library card usage to see our reading categories, groups us according to interests, and then checks our calendar and location data to make sure we can actually meet up for the book club.

Here’s where the witches come into play. In the terms and conditions of the app, your witches must include some seriously powerful spells that are prepared to overcome mental illness and neurodiversity. These spells wouldn’t necessarily be malicious in nature, but they would bind our life force to the success of the club. Thus, forcing us to read and also attend the book club events.

Alternatively, you could add a feature where you have a book buddy system where you help each other successfully read the book and attend club, but I think witches are cooler.