5 Things That Are OUT This Summer

I doubt you’ve ever eaten a great, homemade, burger.

In fact, I am willing to put money on the fact that no homemade burger is better than one you would purchase at a burger establishment.

You see, I’ve eaten plenty of burgers and I’ve eaten plenty of homemade burgers. I’ve yet to encounter a burger that was so scrumptiously made at the house that I’ve attempted to recreate the experience. Have you?

Granted, I am a level of white that is (and should be) associated with unseasoned / under-seasoned food. But, I’ve grown! I’ve learned! And when it comes to cooking a burger, I’ve failed.

I have never achieved levels of burger creation that make it enjoyable and worthwhile to eat a burger at the house. It’s always worth the $15-$20 local spend on a burger. (This obviously excludes fast food burgers for obvious reasons.)

What is their secret? Is it solely seasonings? Is it the amount of fat in the ground beef? Is it the secret burger press they use to make smash burgers smashed? Is it the amount of oil they use to prevent the burger sticking to the black top? Some strange combination of all these things? I need to know. I will not Google it.

Shitty Business Ideas:

Sharts,

I am offering you the (previously) once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to invest in something groundbreaking. In exchange, I will require several things. Such as a private island in the Caribbean, a large amount of funding for a team of scientists over the course of several years, and enough budget for us to acquire several fossilized artifacts.

That’s right, baby, we are bringing back dinosaurs and monetizing them. Just when you thought Jurassic Park was overplayed, Jonathan Bailey in his “slutty little glasses” has revived the franchise, and it’s time to make my little gay dream of seeing dinosaurs a reality.

Basically, if you grant me this wish, I would do a lot of work to ensure that the dinosaurs don’t break out of their enclosure, get weaponized by a rogue militia, and brought to neighboring countries, and I would even go an extra step and sign something saying that we wouldn’t make any crossbreeds.

Let me know, this is a serious business proposal, and I am the nonbinary man for the job. Even though I have no experience running a team of scientists, an amusement park, raising animals, or even owning an island, I am confident I could learn quickly.

Shart Tank Addendum From Last Week's Episode:

Crust-eraunt was not properly credited to one of my subscribers Anna. I appreciate her contribution AND forgot to put it in my notes when she gave me the idea.

If you have a shitty business idea you want me to write about, reply to this email because I will credit you and write about it.